The Forager

sothenshe:

For years I have been tired of seeing overly emotional Facebook posts from people that I do not care about in the least. I’m actually running out of people to unsubscribe/hide/whatever-Facebook-is-calling-that-option-this-week. But it seems as though the overwrought post knows no bounds; it strikes from all angles, from seemingly normal friends and loved ones, and often without warning. 

Dial up the bookface and they begin nearly instantly. My first girlfriend is literally crying about her bad manicure, which somehow leads into her hatred of her job and thus life. A former co-worker lost this week’s fantasy football, obviously warranting a tirade which ends up spanning the gamut from what he’d like to do to certain players to why Obama care is ruining his life. Then there’s the moron I went to high school with who is ranting about how the Democratic national committee is personally attacking his beliefs and how it affects his ability to feed his daughter. This loser also likes every single one of his own Facebook posts, an act I believe should be punished by death by garroting by iron collar. 

Anyway, after staring at a staggering number of these pathetic posts, I’ve figured out how how you can replicate them in your own feed! Won’t this be annoying to anyone you’ve ever friended? Let’s get started!

Start with a lot of sighing. Sigh, sigh, sigh, sigh. Then, a woe about current life troubles - that aren’t really grave or troubling in any way - comes next followed by with a sad emoticon kicker :’( 

Now, spin a personal tale both way too personal and too off topic to be told in any social media setting. Be sure to pepper in some bad speeling and grammar usage, and extraneous “y”, “u” and “o” letters are always good to toss in in. (Never hurts to mention God and your children, too.) Then cap it off with an obvious slight to someone who is undeniably better friends with everyone than you (that skank) and always gets more likes on his or her posts. 

End with an uplifting, hackneyed quote from Oscar Wilde or Sex in the City or something so overused, even the author would vomit upon the sight of it and plop in a positive emoticon - :)

Viola! You’ve got a facebook post that will make everyone who ever glances at it instantly hate you! Yayyyy for youuu!!

This would make a great dare, say during a late night game of Truth or Dare!